A Women’s Week At the Gym

A Women’s Week At the Gym

This is an oldie but goody of one women’s  perspective on a week at the gym.

I am sure non of my clients think of me this way?? LOL


If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong
with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into
a regular workout routine.

Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, my husband purchased a week of personal
training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football
cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go
ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer
named Christo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

Friends seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was
well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Christo
waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god– with blond hair,
dancing eyes, and a dazzling white smile.  Woo Hoo!!

Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching
the skilful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my
workout today. Very inspiring!

Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was
already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This
is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Christo made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air
then he put weights on it!  My legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile.  His rewarding smile made it all
worthwhile. I feel GREAT!  It’s a whole new life for me.

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the
counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it.  I believe I have
a hernia in both pectorals.  Driving was OK as long as I didn’t try to
steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered
other club members.  His voice is a little too perky for that early in
the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is
VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put me on the
stair monster.  Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate
an activity rendered obsolete by elevators?  Christo told me it would
help me get in shape and enjoy life.  He said some other shit too.

Asshole was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his
thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl.  I couldn’t help
being a half an hour late– it took me that long to tie my shoes.

He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran
and hid in the restroom.  He sent some skinny bitch to find me.

Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine– which I sank.
I hate that bastard Christo more than any human being has ever hated
any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
anemic, anorexic, little aerobics instructor.  If there was a part of
my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with

Christo wanted me to work on my triceps.  I don’t have any triceps!
And if you don’t want dents in the floor, don’t hand me the damn
barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
teacher.  Why couldn’t it have been someone softer, like the drama
coach or the choir director?

Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly
voice wondering why I did not show up today.  Just hearing his voice
made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked
the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven
straight hours of the Weather Channel..

I’m having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go
and thank GOD that this week is over.  I will also pray that next year
my husband will choose a gift for me that is fun– like a root canal
or a hysterectomy.  I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he
would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!

Leave a Reply